The Restorationist Churches of Christ Beliefs in the Nightvale Style

At the Cane Creek Revival Barton Stone noticed people could get along away from their churches. He incorrectly figures the problem is the creeds and confessions. Really people were having fun because there were no church governments there to censor them. It was a party. People were wilding out.

In comes the Campbells. Alexander Campbell was heavily influenced by Sandemanians, Glasites, Francis Bacon, and John Locke. #PhilosophyBros. Campbell likes the idea of getting rid of creeds to create Christian unity. Creeds contain conclusions he didn’t decide. NO CREED BUT CHRIST. If everyone thinks the same then there can be no division! We all agree. Christian unity must be unity of thought, Campbell’s thoughts. He reasons, “If no one disagrees with me, we can be unified and end all division!”

Campbell then decides to be a Reformer to restore the church by teaching people how to think like himself. He calls it the Reformation. His way of thinking is pure; he is thinking traditionally like we used to. We have to go back to what we were, RESTORE PRIMITIVE CHRISTIANITY #GlasiteGang.

Other Christians don’t agree with his ideas. They must be wrong though; they’re the problem. They cannot be Christians if they have different thoughts than him. Different thoughts create division, we all agree. They just need to learn to think like him, have his thoughts. Campbell does not know “the church” is a universal body, not congregations. He does not know why people keep trying to correct him; they must think wrongly. Anyways, to make people have the same thoughts as him he decided to teach them how to think, to teach them to read the Bible correctly the way he does #BaconBroForLife. Rational people using the same methods should reach the same conclusions #LockeLads. We all agree.

They need to learn to search for the correct facts and data points. Narrative can be confusing. Analogies introduce interpretation. Metaphors suggest things. History complicates things. Audience raises questions. Context changes meaning.

So we set those aside. We all agree.

We PLAINLY READ it. We look for commands. We gather the facts. And once all the facts are gathered, the meaning becomes clear. Campbell throws away all previous Christianity. He then uses the Baconian method of inductive reasoning to find instructions to restore the church.

The Bible is a book of facts. You collect individual facts and data points from it to see a conclusion. Pull all verses with words relating to your topic. Jump to conclusions. RIGHTLY DIVIDING THE WORD. We all agree.

Campbell then writes The Christian System, their doctrines. He then rewrites the New Testament, The Living Oracles.

Because God gave Moses a blueprint for the tabernacle, of course He must have given THE BLUEPRINT AND PATTERN for the NEW TESTAMENT CHURCH. And because He gave a blueprint for the church, of course it must be recoverable. And because it is recoverable, of course we must be the ones who find it. We all agree.

Therefore, the New Testament must include the blueprints to reconstitute the New Testament Church. If God issues building plans for salvation then Jesus must have died to bring us those blueprints. THE NEW TESTAMENT PATTERN. Jesus is an architect, God is a judge. God issues legal specifications, terms and conditions that we must fulfill to obtain our salvation.

We gather the facts. We organize the facts. We infer the pattern. We restore the pattern. We identify the church. We validate the church. We confirm we are the church. We all agree.

Jesus died to bring us the blueprint. God required that Jesus die in order to fulfill God’s requirement before we could have the blueprint. This is how Jesus saves us. This is GRACE, the system of grace in which God sent Jesus to die thereby providing us with the blueprints to His church. We all agree.
THE LORD’S CHURCH is Jesus’s church constructed with His blueprints, His terms and conditions. We don’t need the tabernacle blueprint anymore. We just have to find the hidden blueprint, patterns, and plans for The Lord’s Church in the New Testament. If we can reconstruct the NEW TESTAMENT CHURCH congregations we will be the actual New Testament Church.

THE ONE TRUE CHURCH.

We named it. We defined it. We are it. We all agree.

Francis Bacon said if you gather enough data points truth will reveal itself. Let’s do that. We can find the terms and conditions in the New Testament with inductive reasoning. However, SILENCE IS PROHIBITION. What I do not find cannot be in the blueprint, we all agree. WE SPEAK WHERE THE BIBLE SPEAKS AND ARE SILENT WHERE THE BIBLE IS SILENT.

This way, there is no interpretation. Only correct understanding. It saves time. It’s consistent. There are no surprises. We hate surprises. We all agree.
The instructions are all there. Not laid out in one place, of course. That would be too easy. They are distributed across the New Testament, waiting to be gathered, arranged, and assembled.

And now, we have done it. We are doing the exact 5 worship acts, correctly in fulfillment of ORDER OF WORSHIP, that the New Testament church congregations did and now we are restored. Everything is done DECENTLY AND IN ORDER.

You identify the One True Church by its worship practices. We know we are the One True Church because we are doing the worship practices the One True Church does. All other churches are not. They are not fulfilling the correct commands, we all agree. #SandemanianSticklers.

We look like The Church, therefore WE ARE THE CHURCH. We all agree.

We are under CHRIST’S LAW NOT GOD’S OLD LAW. Therefore those are not The LORD’S CHURCH congregations that He died for, and those are not Christians. Our commission is to tell others about the correct worship practices and to baptize them correctly in order to add them to the LORD’S CHURCH.

We also found the System of Faith, the 5 Step PLAN OF SALVATION, Faith being intellectual agreement plus proving your agreement by completing the Plan #SandemanianBroFoSho:

HEAR [be convinced of the truth that we are the One True Church], BELIEVE [intellectually agree to the 3 gospel facts that Jesus died, was buried and resurrected to fulfill God’s requirements], REPENT [stop sinning, incorrect worship practices, because you can’t sin anymore after baptism], CONFESS [verbally state this verse because it is required], BE BAPTIZED only for remission of sin [you have saved yourself by proving your faith valid by following (obeying) all the steps of the Plan of Salvation that we found in the Bible].

Correct baptism, with correct procedure, with correct intellectual agreement is your assurance. Baptism for the remission of sin removes your guilt for past incorrect worship practices and immoral actions; that is your reward for completing the process.

To maintain your salvation you must continue attendance in the LORD’S CHURCH and continue the correct worship practices. The Holy Spirit is word only and allows us to see the commands and hidden blueprints in the Bible. Fruits of the Spirit are nice but unnecessary and cannot save.

Salvation is obtained by correct procedures. Salvation is maintained by OBEDIENCE TIL DEATH to the correct worship practices. Assurance is knowing we did it correctly. Justification means our faith is valid because we obtained our salvation correctly.

And that’s it! We’ve done it folks! Good job everybody. Salvation achievement unlocked. We are restored. Congratulations! Smashing success. All you got to do is complete the Plan of Salvation and continue the correct worship practices. We all agree.

WE ARE NOT A DENOMINATION because we are doing the correct worship practices. WE ARE JUST CHRISTIANS because we found the blueprint and completed it. WE ARE DISCIPLES OF CHRIST because we were baptized correctly according to the Plan of Salvation in accordance with our commission.

We practice NEW TESTAMENT CHRISTIANITY because we recognize and reconstructed THE LORD’S CHURCH according to Christ’s blueprint. The ANCIENT ORDER OF THINGS was restored by us according to Christ’s blueprint. We are THE CHURCH YOU READ ABOUT IN THE BIBLE because we are doing the correct worship practices.

The Catholics split away from us IN ERROR AND DEPARTING FROM THE TRUTH because they wanted to do different worship practices and listened to FALSE TEACHINGS of early Church Fathers. They had no warrant for anything not expressly revealed in Scripture #GlasiteGoodFellows. We have the only SOUND DOCTRINE, the correct blueprint. We OBEY THE GOSPEL because we completed the 5 Step Plan of Salvation and REMAIN FAITHFUL to the correct worship practices. We all agree.

Everything fits. Because we assembled it.
The facts are gathered.
The pattern is restored.
The church is identified.
The system is complete.

And once the system is complete, every question has an answer.

And every answer leads back to the system. We all agree.

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